We
tend to place ourselves at the center of our own little universe in which
everything revolves obediently around us. All is well until something happens
to interrupt or upset our “order of things” as we believe it should be or when
things don’t “go our way”. Problems arise when we encounter the inevitable
truth that life isn’t all about us and that there are actually other people in
the room. Who would have thunk it? All of whom (by the way) also believe that
they are at the center of their own particular universes.
This
“ego-centric” view comes from the part of our personality that over-identifies
with our own self-interests. The ego declares us above and apart from those
around us. As such, it sets up a belief system in which we feel justified
to wallow in self-pity and to take everything personally-otherwise known
as ‘woe-is-me’ing.
It
is this trap of the ego that endangers our happiness as we buy into the idea
that what’s happening to us is real. But scientists have been telling us for
years that our reality is subjective. In fact, the events of our lives are only
as real to the extent that we identify with them. The measure by which reality
can affect us is directly related to how much we allow things to impact us and
our emotions.
Our
reality has more to do with how we perceive the events of our lives as they
unfold, rather than the events themselves. Anything we imagine to be causing us
pain, is only just that—our imagination.
Therefore,
the more we identify with these “so-called” negative events the greater the
impact they will have on our emotions and over-all happiness. Once we realize
that our reactions are directly proportionate to how we perceive a thing, we
can better regulate the negative response.
As
such, it becomes important to reframe the situation so we see things in a
neutral light. In this way the negative event loses its power and hold on our
emotions. In our mind, the event becomes neither a positive nor a negative—it
just is. We come to understand that we cannot control the events outside
ourselves, but we can accept responsibility for how we react to them.
“Now,
hold on a minute!” you might say. “That is all well and good, but I can’t
just decide not to get upset when something bad
happens. I’m only human.”
The
fact of the matter is that you can (with practice) make a choice and decide to
act in a different way— in a controlled and present way, instead of reacting in
a way born from negative conditioning. With even more practice you may
even learn the skill of not reacting at all!
“Reality is subjective. In
fact, the events of our lives are only as real to the extent that we identify
with them. The measure by which reality can affect us is directly related to
how much we allow it to impact us and our emotions. Our reality has more to do
with how we perceive the events of our lives as they unfold, rather than the
events themselves.”
At
first glance it may seem odd, even unnatural, to have anything but a negative
response to a negative event. Remember, however, that we always have the
capacity to choose. That ability is not only vital in maintaining happiness but
it is also empowering. Knee-jerk reactions and impulsivity turn us into
victims, holding us hostage to our own reactionary emotions. The empowering
approach allows us to take a moment, step back and find our center—our core of
peace—you know, that “happy place”. From here we take back our power.
Let’s
look at a common example to demonstrate this point.
It’s
4:15pm on Friday afternoon. It’s been a rough week. You’re tired and looking
forward to the weekend. Just then, a particularly difficult client walks in
demanding to see you. He seems upset and wants service immediately, he begins
to swear and act out.
Most
people would see the above situation as negative. After-all, it’s only fifteen
minutes to closing, you may have to work over-time, the client is being
difficult and abusive and your plans are threatened. But it is only a negative
if you choose to see it as such—if you make it about you. If
you understand that this moment is not about you, you may find yourself better
equipped to handle the situation in a more efficient and fulfilling way. So
instead of focusing on how this event may affect you, (which will cause
irritation and anger) try switching your perspective.
“…it is only a negative if you
choose to see it as such—if you make it about you. If you understand that this
moment is not about you, you may find yourself better equipped to handle the
situation in a more efficient and fulfilling way.”
Put
aside all the expectations you might have regarding this situation. Take
a step back and simply accept that you will be working late and that the client
may not even appreciate your efforts—let it all go and place your attention
where it matters—the present moment.
“But,
I don’t want to accept it,” you might say. “I don’t want anything to do with
this moment.” Your mind may throw a little hissy-fit too as
it mentally digs in. “I won’t give in. I’m right! I should be angry!”
If
this is the approach you prefer, that is up to you. But know that all our
greatest teachers throughout history have taught that “the present” is all we
have. It is from the ‘now’ that we draw power and strength. Resistance, stress
and unhappiness come from all sources outside the present moment. Feelings of
anger and the need to win are not born of the present. Worrying about, and
becoming angry about what has already happened or what might happen is not
keeping present. You will be unable to draw any happiness by taking this
approach.
Give
yourself over totally to this moment. Settle into it like a warm bath, breathe
it in if you must and put yourself in the client’s shoes. Try looking at what
is truly happening outside whatever expectations you may have had.
A
person has come to you for help. Anybody in need of help immediately becomes
vulnerable. Vulnerable people tend to have more to lose and thus are afraid.
When we are afraid we tend to act rashly—we may even lash out, initially.
In
this light we no longer see a rude, trouble maker or someone to be “handled”.
Instead we see a person who is afraid and needs help. Typically, when we
encounter somebody who needs help we extend a hand, and most times we feel
better for doing so. It is a natural human response.
By
looking at the situation through the eyes of the client, you are better able to
get past the anger and the self-pity and provide service. Because you didn’t
make it about “Me”and stayed focused on the
present moment you didn’t get drained or taxed by the experience. In contrast,
you feel energized and enriched by the experience. In a way, you have opened
up.
If
this is hard to accept, you need only try this approach the next time you
encounter a difficult situation at work. You will be amazed by the
result.
Remember
to stay in the present moment. Don’t worry about the past, which is the fact
that the client came in at 4:15pm. Don’t worry about the future that may
involve you staying late. Let it all go.
Secondly,
remember to look at the situation from the client’s point of view—as somebody
who needs your help. Do this and you will feel energized, fulfilled and
engaged—instead of going home upset and tired.
Remember,
it’s never about you.
For
more information about creating a happy workplace and a happier life check out
my new book: My Happy Workplace at Amazon.
