We tend to place ourselves at the center of our own little universe in which everything revolves obediently around us. All is well until something happens to interrupt or upset our “order of things” as we believe it should be or when things don’t “go our way”. Problems arise when we encounter the inevitable truth that life isn’t all about us and that there are actually other people in the room. Who would have thunk it? All of whom (by the way) also believe that they are at the center of their own particular universes.
This “ego-centric” view comes from the part of our personality that over-identifies with our own self-interests. The ego declares us above and apart from those around us. As such, it sets up a belief system in which we feel justified to wallow in self-pity and to take everything personally-otherwise known as ‘woe-is-me’ing.
It is this trap of the ego that endangers our happiness as we buy into the idea that what’s happening to us is real. But scientists have been telling us for years that our reality is subjective. In fact, the events of our lives are only as real to the extent that we identify with them. The measure by which reality can affect us is directly related to how much we allow things to impact us and our emotions.
Our reality has more to do with how we perceive the events of our lives as they unfold, rather than the events themselves. Anything we imagine to be causing us pain, is only just that—our imagination.
Therefore, the more we identify with these “so-called” negative events the greater the impact they will have on our emotions and over-all happiness. Once we realize that our reactions are directly proportionate to how we perceive a thing, we can better regulate the negative response.
As such, it becomes important to reframe the situation so we see things in a neutral light. In this way the negative event loses its power and hold on our emotions. In our mind, the event becomes neither a positive nor a negative—it just is. We come to understand that we cannot control the events outside ourselves, but we can accept responsibility for how we react to them.
“Now, hold on a minute!” you might say. “That is all well and good, but I can’t just decide not to get upset when something bad happens. I’m only human.”
The fact of the matter is that you can (with practice) make a choice and decide to act in a different way— in a controlled and present way, instead of reacting in a way born from negative conditioning. With even more practice you may even learn the skill of not reacting at all!
“Reality is subjective. In fact, the events of our lives are only as real to the extent that we identify with them. The measure by which reality can affect us is directly related to how much we allow it to impact us and our emotions. Our reality has more to do with how we perceive the events of our lives as they unfold, rather than the events themselves.”
At first glance it may seem odd, even unnatural, to have anything but a negative response to a negative event. Remember, however, that we always have the capacity to choose. That ability is not only vital in maintaining happiness but it is also empowering. Knee-jerk reactions and impulsivity turn us into victims, holding us hostage to our own reactionary emotions. The empowering approach allows us to take a moment, step back and find our center—our core of peace—you know, that “happy place”. From here we take back our power.
Let’s look at a common example to demonstrate this point.
It’s 4:15pm on Friday afternoon. It’s been a rough week. You’re tired and looking forward to the weekend. Just then, a particularly difficult client walks in demanding to see you. He seems upset and wants service immediately, he begins to swear and act out.
Most people would see the above situation as negative. After-all, it’s only fifteen minutes to closing, you may have to work over-time, the client is being difficult and abusive and your plans are threatened. But it is only a negative if you choose to see it as such—if you make it about you. If you understand that this moment is not about you, you may find yourself better equipped to handle the situation in a more efficient and fulfilling way. So instead of focusing on how this event may affect you, (which will cause irritation and anger) try switching your perspective.
“…it is only a negative if you choose to see it as such—if you make it about you. If you understand that this moment is not about you, you may find yourself better equipped to handle the situation in a more efficient and fulfilling way.”
Put aside all the expectations you might have regarding this situation. Take a step back and simply accept that you will be working late and that the client may not even appreciate your efforts—let it all go and place your attention where it matters—the present moment.
“But, I don’t want to accept it,” you might say. “I don’t want anything to do with this moment.” Your mind may throw a little hissy-fit too as it mentally digs in. “I won’t give in. I’m right! I should be angry!”
If this is the approach you prefer, that is up to you. But know that all our greatest teachers throughout history have taught that “the present” is all we have. It is from the ‘now’ that we draw power and strength. Resistance, stress and unhappiness come from all sources outside the present moment. Feelings of anger and the need to win are not born of the present. Worrying about, and becoming angry about what has already happened or what might happen is not keeping present. You will be unable to draw any happiness by taking this approach.
Give yourself over totally to this moment. Settle into it like a warm bath, breathe it in if you must and put yourself in the client’s shoes. Try looking at what is truly happening outside whatever expectations you may have had.
A person has come to you for help. Anybody in need of help immediately becomes vulnerable. Vulnerable people tend to have more to lose and thus are afraid. When we are afraid we tend to act rashly—we may even lash out, initially.
In this light we no longer see a rude, trouble maker or someone to be “handled”. Instead we see a person who is afraid and needs help. Typically, when we encounter somebody who needs help we extend a hand, and most times we feel better for doing so. It is a natural human response.
By looking at the situation through the eyes of the client, you are better able to get past the anger and the self-pity and provide service. Because you didn’t make it about “Me”and stayed focused on the present moment you didn’t get drained or taxed by the experience. In contrast, you feel energized and enriched by the experience. In a way, you have opened up.
If this is hard to accept, you need only try this approach the next time you encounter a difficult situation at work. You will be amazed by the result.
Remember to stay in the present moment. Don’t worry about the past, which is the fact that the client came in at 4:15pm. Don’t worry about the future that may involve you staying late. Let it all go.
Secondly, remember to look at the situation from the client’s point of view—as somebody who needs your help. Do this and you will feel energized, fulfilled and engaged—instead of going home upset and tired.
Remember, it’s never about you.
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